I'm writing because I'm not sure how to have this conversation with you. Part of the problem is that you don't have any ears.  The other problem is that if people see me talking into my right breast they might call the police.  

You remember last year or so when you started growing?  I mean, growing even more than your sister over there?  Yeah. We both know that you do. Well, I figured after I took you to see that breast surgeon, you'd feel sufficiently cared for  (if not at  least scared straight) that you could stop your shenanigans.  I even had you squeezed over and over in that big plate glass machine.  You were flat as a pancake!  I can't believe that didn't reduce your size! And after all that torture for the both of us, the verdict was in.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.  Well, medically, anyway. 

Anyhow, that surgeon said you were out of control because I got fat. God you are so sensitive.  Can't a girl inhale a bag of Doritos or two hundred without her right breast acting like it was in some radioactive scientific accident?  So selfish.  It's all "me me me me" with you. So, I've done what's necessary, and started to slim down.  All for you.  I'm 30 pounds down now, and I KNOW that you have gotten smaller. You know it too.  But WHY oh WHY do you insist on losing slower than your former twin sister over there on the left?  Are you mocking me? Poor Leftie is beginning to get a complex, too.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself. 

You do realize I can't buy a single bra that fits both you and Leftie over there at the same time, right?  And that your stubbornness is a source of great discomfort and consternation for me? Not to mention a source of deep embarrassment for your sister.  

Could you at least point in the same direction as Leftie? Is that so much to ask?  You look like some googley eyed freak, with Leftie pointing front and center in the cold weather, and you all misdirected and pointing down and to the left.  

Down and to the left.  Down and to the left.  Enough of this! Maybe you have Attention Deficit Disorder, hmm? 

I've been eating well.  I'm getting thin.  For god's sakes, I just made chocolate bread out of peach oatmeal!  For you!  All for you.  Shrink dammit.  

I beg of you.  And do it faster than Leftie, would ya?  So help me god you will not see the inside of a bathing suit this summer if you don't get your stuff together here, girl.  You are headed for a major time out. 

Sincerely, 

Samantha