Ah, the love and devotion we derive from our children. We bring them home from the hospital, all cute and pink and bundled in sweet smelling blankets, with fluffy dreams of rainbows, puppy dogs, hearts and flowers.
And then they turn on us like rabid animals.
This has been a really stressful few days already and it's only Tuesday!
It started on Saturday morning when I looked in my fridge and realized I had no lean and green stuff for dinner. So I lured my little monkey out of the house by taking him to see the Tooth Fairy (not the greatest achievement in American Cinema, but it had to do), and then I pulled the old "After the movie we just have to stop at the grocery store" move. Slick right? He didn't even see it coming! He brought his Nintendo DS to play while we shopped. He had been waiting all week to see his friends (our neighbors) and he couldn't wait to get home from the grocery store. The Nintendo DS, which had one game cartridge in it, kept him distracted from his ultimate goal: a day playing with his friends.
We finished shopping and arrived home just in time to see the neighbors pulling out of their driveway. The Monkey was displeased. This pivotal moment was when I got to hear those delightful words that every mother should hear once or three thousand times in a lifetime "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" Ah, the unadulterated joy.
I ruined his life by taking him to the grocery store. Who knew it was so easy? Every parent ought to ensure that their kid needs a lifetime of therapy, right? My work, then, is done here.
Fast forward to Monday. I had his video games in my purse when we were at the movies. He had put all of them in this plastic case, and then he slid them into my purse. He had just one game in his game machine. He (wrongly) assumed that the grown up in the family was responsible enough to take care of them. Yesterday afternoon I realized I'd somehow lost every Nintendo DS game my poor six year old has. Well, look at that. Talk about ruining his life! Nice work! I'm pretty efficient at this parenting-disappointing-your-kid thing! Too bad there's no market for that skill set.
There were lots of tears and drama. Fun times!
Work yesterday was just as entertaining (read: exasperating). Pesky attorney client privilege prevents me from really giving you the ugly details. But suffice it to say that there are a lot of really crazy people in the world.
I topped my evening off last night with a "refreshing" and "exhilarating" (read: terribly unpleasant) "discussion" (read: argument) with the father of my son. Oh, to live my glamorous life!
But no matter how many lives I ruin, or how many crazy people insert themselves insidiously into my life, I will not pig out. No matter how screwed up and nuts my day has been, I'm staying strong! I will not waver. I will listen to 100 crazies yelling and screaming, no...wait....I will listen to a thousand crazies yelling and screaming, but I will not cheat on this diet. I will have a gajillion responsibilities and demands placed on me, and I will take them all on (some more successfully than others), but not a Dorito will pass these lips. I will disappoint my offspring by ensuring there is food to eat, but no friends to play with, and by poorly managing his digital entertainment, but I will not eat one slice of bread.
Oh, yeeeeeeeah. Though I walk through the shadow of the valley of Crazy, I will fear no carb.