I think Lane Bryant is stalking me. For those of you who don't know about Lane Bryant, it's a plus size women's clothing store. For a few years, I've found myself humbly walking through the doors of Lane Bryant, sadly picking through mounds of plus size clothes to cover my 5 foot 1 plus sized keister.
Could someone please tell this crazy Lane Bryant that I have no need for her anymore? Our friendship is through. You'd think my recent absence would be a clue. But she just doesn't get it. Practically every day, I pop open my email at some point in the day to find a nagging email about why my fat ass should come buy some more clothes.
You think I'm kidding?
That right there is a slew of emails from Lane Bryant. She's incessant; she never gives up. I'm almost embarrassed for her. Double savings! 25% off! Friends and family! Introducing our new swim collection! $40 off sitewide ends today! She'll do anything to get me to spend time with her.
She's more annoying than a 13 year old girl with a crush. When will it stop???
Of course, seeing all these exasperating emails has made me reflect. I remember the first day I finally caved and stepped foot in Lane Bryant. For so long I was fighting it. I was squeezing myself into pants 4 sizes too small and saying "what??? I'm a size 12! Come on! I don't need the Big Girls' store!" Yeah. I know. Denial. It seems to be a theme with me.
So finally, one day I walked in timidly to peek around. I wasn't fully committed to the idea that I could legitimately shop there. I was met by a well dressed larger saleswoman who asked if she could help me. "Yeah. I'm um, I'm on a diet, but until I can fit back in my old clothes I need some bigger stuff. I don't need a lot. I won't be needing things this size for long. Seriously. I'm on a diet. Have I mentioned? I'm on a diet? I'm not really fat. I'm only temporarily fat. Anyway, can you help me find some pants?"
She gave me that "sure you're on a diet and sure you're going to fit back into those old smaller clothes...sooo pathetic!" kind of look.
And she was right. Two years later I was still shopping at Lane Bryant. For so many women, that place is like the roach motel. You can come in but you can never leave!
Well, after three and a half months on Medifast, and 36 pounds down, I'm proud to say, I can totally kick Lane Bryant to the curb. I think Lane is upset. She smells it in the air. One less customer. Frantic pleading emails. Come shop! Have a burger on us! We miss you!
But I'm not falling for it. I even squeezed myself into a pair of size 10P jeans the other day. I had a wicked muffin top to go with it, but I didn't care. My not so plus sized ass was inside a pair of size 10 jeans! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Lane Bryant!