I'm talking to my big granny panties. It's time for those things to exit stage left. My posterior has been shrinking and I've been noticing that my big girl panties are well....for a bigger girl.
For the last few years I've been buying my panties in Lane Bryant. As you all know, I've kicked that annoying b*tch to the curb (fyi- she still sends me whiny emails begging me to come shop there) so I need a new place to pick up my unmentionables (unmentionables that I seem to mention often.... Hmm. Oh well. I suppose anyone who reads these blog posts are the unintended beneficiaries of my lack of proper boundaries!).
I was in Target the other day with my son buying him his reward for 5 straight days at school of not going to the principal's office, and they were having a panty sale. Yes, I made my 6 year old son stand in the women's undies aisle of Target. Is that wrong? I don't think he was traumatized. He played happily with the toy he had selected as his reward, while I perused the panties. He even grabbed a very nice black molded bra by the cups (you know, the ones that look like there's a boob in them when they're on the hanger) and said "How 'bout this ma?"
I recommend you all bring your 6 year old boys underwear shopping, and if you don't have six year old boys, I recommend that you borrow one for this explicit purpose.
So I picked up 3 medium pairs and 2 large pairs, thinking the mediums might need another few pounds. There's nothing more unattractive than a muffin top over your bikinis. Only having bought 3 mediums and 2 larges, I figured I can wear the saggy grandma panties till I figure out what size I really am.
Anyway I tried the mediums on last night expecting them to be a little tight. Well....butter my butt and call me a biscuit! They fit! With no muffin top! Ok, so there's a tiny muffin top. But still. They're on!
So, I'm just going to ignore the weird stretchy wrinkly elephant skin tummy that is sorta poking out a tad above them. I have my son to thank for that, and someday I will exact my revenge for it, I'm sure. Perhaps I already have, in the form of the woman's underwear aisle in Target.
Tiny muffin top of wrinkly skin or not, I'm just thrilled to bits. My ass is in a medium size panty!
And to all those extra large Lane Bryant granny panties sitting in my drawer, don't get too comfortable in there. If I weren't lazy by nature, and if Dan weren't snoozing away happily right above you (my drawers are in the bed) you'd already be history. But I promise you, as soon as I get around to it, it's gonna be au revoir for you.
Granny panties, your days are numbered.